When I have nothing, I have you.....

Recently my internal struggles continue with WHY such tragedy had to happen to MY family. Why the father of MY children? Why MY husband? WHY US?? Last year I posted a blog about deleting people from facebook who betrayed Jorge and myself deeply. Jorge died hurt because of these people (mainly one he considered to be his best friend at one point in time). Thursday night I found out they had a baby. This crushed me. WHY them? She didn't WANT to be married to him! She CHEATED on him. She told me she would NEVER have his baby! WHY do THEY get to be a family and WE don't? How is any of this FAIR? 

When I feel like I have absolutely nothing left to offer this world, I look at my children and I know I will keep moving forward. As I type this, my 28 month old is sitting on my lap and saying, "I love you mommy". She is my rock. She knows when tears well up in my eyes to offer hugs and kisses. Will this little girl ever know she saved me? She is beyond her years, just like her daddy. 

Yesterday morning she and I were painting our nails before the baby woke up. Tearful, I asked her if she remembers daddy coming home from work and dancing with her. She just said, "yes". I noticed she put her head down and really didn't want to talk about it. At that moment I realized how much she is actually processing on her own. A few minutes later I asked her if she would help me teach Matthew about daddy because he never got to meet him. She pointed up to two pictures on the wall of her with her daddy. She said, "teach Matthew". Her memories will probably be only the pictures and stories I tell her but I am so grateful she met him. My heart breaks for my son, never once held in his daddy's arms. UNFAIR! 

I am left in this world to be the surviving spouse of an amazing man, the mother of two beautiful children and something yet to be discovered. I refuse to give up on me. I am fighting what seems to be a never ending battle but I have a feeling I will eventually come out on top. I owe it to Jorge. I owe to my children. I owe it to myself.  Our life is what we make of it. My family was given a shitty hand but I am not going to fold. 

"Deserve's got nothing to do with it." - My new motto. Thank you Larry. 

Sometimes nothing is right....

This past week I have really been struggling with loneliness. Watching my lift pass before me each day almost seems like a waste. I try often to remind myself that I AM ALIVE and I NEED TO LIVE. But, I just can't seem to get past being alone. I was married. We decided to start a family. Now I am the sole parent to two babies. This is not what we planned for!

How can I accept who I am today? How can I find peace with being alone? When will I no longer feel the need to tell him every detail of my day? I just want to feel comfortable again. I just want to be happy again. I want to feel loved again. I want to be me again.

Last night my dear friend who has held my hand through my widowed journey came over. She is leaving her husband and having a hard time. She told me she was lonely. LONELY! She asked me how I have done if for so long. My only reply, "I don't have another option." Trying my best to be supportive seemed like I was setting myself up for sting after sting. Perhaps it is just because I have already been feeling so gloomy lately. She told me she wished she had a distraction like me, referring to my kids...shark bite! When she left my house she was meeting her husband for dinner. At that moment my world imploded. Their loneliness is a choice. Mine was forced upon me. I would give my everything just to have dinner with Jorge. I will NEVER see him again. Why couldn't we be going through a divorce? My babies would still have a daddy. In that moment...the gravity of our loss pulled me down further than I have been in a very long time.

I understand people don't mean to say the wrong things. Sometimes nothing is right.

A perfect close to a very heavy weekend...

"Be thou the rainbow in the storms of life. The evening beam that smiles the clouds away, and tints tomorrow with prophetic ray."
Lord Byron

After such an emotionally draining weekend I spent Sunday afternoon alone shopping. Later Laura met me for dinner. Not quite ready to head home I stopped in one more store. As I was walking to my car this is what I saw, a double rainbow! The timing could not have more perfect. 

I will always love you Jorge!

Our 5th wedding anniversary...

April 28th would have been our 5th wedding anniversary. Jorge planned to upgrade my wedding band at 5 years. We would have taken a family vacation somewhere fun. Would have... 

Instead, I stayed home and watched as the babies played around me. They seemed to pick up on my melancholy and directed all their efforts at keeping me occupied. I received numerous baby hugs and kisses throughout the day. Matthew is into everything now! He has learned to open the refrigerator and the entertainment center cabinets and constantly pulling stuff out. The babies kept me busy but not busy enough.....

My mind would drift into a place of disconnect and realization. I AM WIDOWED. I AM SINGLE. I NO LONGER HAVE AN ANNIVERSARY TO CELEBRATE!!! I AM ALONE. 

Our 4th anniversary was so soon after his death that none of this had a chance to make any sense to me. I was still protected by the shock and numbness of his sudden death. I guess this is what people mean when they say the second year is harder. My shield from the truth has been lifted. I am forced to feel and process what my life really means.  I AM ALONE! 

Target ad....

Today I opened my email to find the ever faithful Target ad. Every Sunday I have the same memory of Jorge and I fighting to see who could view it first. If I viewed it, I would often just leave it on the last page. This annoyed him because it ruined his viewing experience. ;) He would have to rewind the electronic ad back to the first page. Sometimes it is smallest memories that hurt the most.

A little Reiki.....

Lately I have felt very unsettled and disconnected with everything about my life. I would so often beg for the ability to just speak to Jorge for a few minutes. Recently this toy started to chime, "the sun is shining" during my moments of sadness. I can't help but think he is trying to tell me something. I decided to visit a reiki therapist in celebration of our 5th wedding anniversary. 

A dear widowed friend recommended her therapist to me long ago but I was much too skeptical until now. At this point, I don't have anything lose.

I went yesterday. Our session started with a few deep breaths and our hands locked. She asked for all my spirits to join us for the better good. With both our eyes closed she immediately picked up on a loss. She asked me who died. I told her my husband with tears pouring down my face. She asked his name and then asked him to join us for my better good.

• His first words to her were "stop". This scared me. I thought he was telling us to stop the session. I remained quiet. She said, "He wants you to stop blaming yourself for his death." "You couldn't have saved him." My tears continued but I said nothing. 
• She then said, "He wants you to let go of the guilt because it is killing you." I could not believe what I was hearing. 
• She then asked me what was stuck in my throat. I was confused by this. She said, "He says you are not defending yourself. You need to start standing up for yourself against others. People are pushing you around." I just nodded. 
• Next she told me he wanted me to date. He knows people are interested and that I need to feel free to pursue them. She said, "He knows you want a bigger family and that is okay." He wanted me to know that I will meet someone who will love the kids and I very much. He also said he knows I will keep him alive for the kids. 
• She told me that he was showing her a train set. I just opened a train set that Matthew received for Christmas. 
• She said he liked my red shoes and that I should wear them more. I bought a really cute pair of Michael Kors red flats after he died. They were expensive and I would normally ask him before I made such a purchase. I remember wanting them and thinking, "I don't have to ask Jorge anymore!" I guess he approved of my purchase. 
• She said he also told her I needed to buy new panties and to go to Victoria's Secret. That is where I used to buy them. Right before leaving for Camp Widow my mom told me I needed new panties. I asked her why. 
• He told me to go see a movie. This is something we did often. We loved to go to the movies. We went to a movie just before he died and planned to go on a date the night he died. I have been contemplating going to see The Lucky One or just reading the book. I think I will see the movie. 
• He told me to let go of my anger. He said it is changing me and he misses the "light that he remembers when he met me." I am sorry Jorge but I don't know that I will ever find that light again. 
• He also said for me to focus on his smile. He doesn't want me to remember him in his last moments as he was dying. This was something my grief counselor and I had been working on early on. 
• She told me Jorge was proud of how I am raising our children. 

There was so much more. I understand that some of this could be normal things you would say to any widow such as the topic of dating. I did not offer any leading information to this woman. She had no idea how Jorge died. She did not know I was there...tried to save him....failed at saving him....and carried guilt for such a long time after. The smaller things were also crazy. It would be one thing if she was hit or miss but they all made sense to me. I left there feeling completely overwhelmed and comforted at the same time. Either way, it worked for me and I am glad I did it. 

The sun is shinning...

Yesterday evening was an incredibly hard time for me. I hated everything about my life with the exception of my children. I wanted to scream at anyone preaching anything about a loving God. How could a loving God do this to my young and growing family? My children? Why should my children have to watch me sob as I wash their backs, when I should be smiling and singing happy songs to them? Why does Isabella understand that mommy cries a lot? Why does Isabella understand that when I am sad she should hug me? She just turned 2!

If you recall from my earlier blogs, Isabella had a toy that would sound off by itself during my most emotional times. I ended up taking the batteries out thinking it was Jorge trying to communicate with me. The idea of Jorge trying to comfort me became very painful. Last night around 1am a different toy went off by itself repeating "the sun is shinning" about three times. I instantly thought of Jorge telling me everything would be okay. I might be going mad at this point but so be it. I feel the need to connect further with him. I need to know I am doing a good job. I know he is here with us. I know he wants to talk to me. A friend of mine has a reiki therapist she thinks highly of. I am considering going to her on what would have been our 5th wedding anniversary later this month.